Eleven Things He Wonders
by Simone Robinson
Summary: "-Sometimes Gai wonders when it all started to blur together.-" Eleven things Maito Gai wonders. Based on the twenty truths format. Slightly Darkfic.


**This was inspired by the 20 truths format. A slightly darker take on Maito Gai.**

**

* * *

**

**E **l e v e n**. T **h i n g s**. H **e**. W **o n d e r s

* * *

Sometimes Gai wonders when it all started to blur together. When the smiles and the laughs started being more fake than true and when the bright colors and shouts started becoming part of who he was. It's hard to remember the boy with ambition and drive, the boy who wore more black than green, the boy who graduated from the academy at age seven. And then he realizes that he still can't discern just _which_ one was real.

Sometimes Gai wonders how he came to be a teacher. It was never expected, and those who knew him from his childhood would wonder how someone with such a dangerous temper could ever have the patience for three Genin. Especially when that lack of patience could result in their deaths. But he became a teacher anyway, and then he realizes that he hasn't lost his temper like that since he started teaching them. And he thinks that they may have something to do with it.

Sometimes Gai wonders when it became his job to watch over Kakashi. To heal the emotional wounds in his rival. And sometimes, when dealing with Kakashi's masochistic tendencies, he wonders if the copy ninja even _notices_.

And the next morning, when he issues some ridiculous challenge, Kakashi will accept.

And then Gai realizes that, yes, he does.

Sometimes Gai wonders when he lost his purpose in life. And that's when he's assigned a Genin team. And when Lee stands on that rooftop, announcing his ambitions to his teammates, loudly, with such determination, Gai sees something that he himself lost years ago. And it becomes his purpose to help fulfill Lee's ambition. And sometimes he wonders if it's wrong to depend on the boy like he does, and sometimes he feels a brief twinge of hate- Hate at Lee for needing him and in turn, making Gai need him like he does. But he knows it's not his fault, and feels regret at his emotions.

And then he realizes that there's nothing wrong with being needed.

Sometimes Gai wonders if watching his teammates die, right in front of him, might have affected his teaching. And he wonders whether or not his teambuilding exercises have helped. Because he doesn't want them to live with the same guilt that he keeps hidden.

And then he realizes that at least he manages to hide it better than Kakashi.

Sometimes Gai wonders if he should re-decorate his room. The walls are whitewashed and bland, everything necessities and training junk. It's well kept, dull, regulation and bear. The room lacks all of the personality he exudes and doesn't seem to reflect him at all.

And then he looks and around the room and decides to leave things be, because he's realized… that it reflects him very well.

Sometimes Gai wonders if he's broken. With the thoughts swirling through his head, and emotions through his heart- He_feels_ broken, but he's not quite sure. How can you even tell?

And one day, lying alone in the dark, he realizes that, yes, he is broken, but he's not beyond repair.

Sometimes Gai wonders if he's strong enough. He wonders if he's strong enough to protect those he cares about. Both on the battle field, and in relationships.

He wonders, though, sometimes if he might be _too_strong, and that's why everyone he touches seems to shatter and crumble away from him.

And then he realized that maybe Neji's right and it really_is_ just fate.

Sometimes Gai wonders why Itachi did what he did. And then he remembers stumbling upon the crying youth- years ago- bags under his eyes, tension evident in his shoulders. And so, after the massacre, he sniffs around and finds things out that he wasn't suppose to know. But be keeps quiet, because he realizes how much effort Itachi put into making himself look guilty.

Sometimes Gai wonders why Naruto asks him to ichiraku on a regular basis. Because he's forgotten the time he left out his untouched bole for the kuuybi- brat, when he saw the boy scrounging for left-overs.

And one day Gai realizes that _that kid_ and Naruto share quite a likeness.

Sometimes Gai wonders when he started wanting to die, kneeling on the floor with his cold kunai blade pressed against his flesh. But then he throws the knife aside, because he realizes… that he's still got far too much to live for.

* * *

**What did you think?**


End file.
